both

i often feel listless

as if i didn’t have a list to attend to

 

i find it either sad about myself

or maybe sad about my way of me

or maybe i blame fate that i have nothing but myself to worry about

but why blame fate for such a thing

 

i want to be a warrior for black justice

but i am not black

a warrior for justice in general

but am i generally just

 

it seems that i can only be supportive

but isn’t that the point

that i am not the center of attention

that i am not the one who gets attention

the point of what

 

i feel that i am most responsible

by removing myself from the equation

by coming to understand my own absence

or at least figuring the equation differently

so the math weighs the same on both sides of the equation

do there have to be sides in an equation

does there have to be an equation

 

perhaps this is what strand was writing about

when he said he kept moving to keep things whole

he knew he needed to argue for his own absence

 

i want to believe that my presence is necessary

but i think that my absence is just as necessary

so i must be present to ask for my own absence

and i believe it

 

i believe that i can walk around and demand that i not walk around

not for the sake of irony

but to be both my own thesis and antithesis

i suppose this means independence

to be both my doing and undoing

if i am both then does this not make me free