the accountant

i wanted to die. i wanted to badly to commit suicide. or maybe give it to myself. we say ‘commit’ as if it were a crime, as if it were some act of violence. but the word actually comes down to mean joining something (or two things) together (but what is the difference between joining one thing and two things together (i suppose the only difference is assumption). at any rate, i had decided that a life was meant to be ended as much as it is meant to be started, and I knew that suicide was my only option in the face of the abyss of traffic and buildings and options and food and love and the time that my mother was crying on the carpet, the time that I saw my uncle throw my sisters head into a pile of books that I often read before bedtime, the time that my favorite writing teacher developed brain cancer, the first time I saw blood come out of my body, well, I knew that suicide was the only option and so I threw my whole body into it. I wanted it to be the longest suicide ever committed, I knew of the noble ones, the most beautiful ones, but the long suicide, I wanted to believe that a true suicide (and what can I say about truth except that it got a head start on me from the womb, and it runs twice as fast as i can, and how was I ever to catch up with something that had a head start from the womb and runs twice as fast), well, I knew that the true suicide was one that took committing it with full committment, and what better way to prove committment than that prolong it, long and slow, and so, despite all the inclinations otherwise, despite all my personal preferences and desires, I set those aside and I determined to committ suicide by working as an accountant for the rest of my life. and to be clear, there is nothing inherently wrong or boring or unfulfilling in being an accountant, I only have found it to be my own personal hell, and what better way to committ suicide than to torture one’s self over the process of a lifetime. I wanted to be the cow, I wanted to graze the grass, I wanted to be the one in which there was no life, I wanted to prove the utter animalistic element of human life, I wanted to supress every opportunity desire tried to take. I wanted to live without living, I wanted to die without dying, I wanted it all, and I wanted nothing, but I knew that I wanted both life and death, and what better way to live death than to die each day slowly. what better way to live death. what better way than to live death.