prayer [two]

I want to hold your hand. I want to feel your wind on my face. I want to speak to you with my nose on yours and my eyes inches from yours. I want to be the ball that you pitch in a game with other gods. god, I want to see you play a game. I want to see you checkmate or stalemate. I want to see you win something or lose something. I want to see you lose your son. I know the earth shook. I know that the earth moaned, but I never saw the trembling bones. I never saw the shaking fists. god, who do you shake your fists at when you are angry. do you shake it at us. do you ever shake your fist. god, I want to know why you don't appear on television. what color are your eyes, because if they are blue like my stepfather's, then I will be able to understand the foremath and aftermath. I don't understand math, especially the math of eyes. can you tell me the math of mothers. can you tell me the circumference of their waking hours. can you explain the hypotenuse of breast milk. can you measure the beautiful and ugly moments. can you tell me the square root of miscarriage. I want to know how to explain it numberly as well as literally. I want to be able to read motherhood and fatherhood with the same exactness as the astrologer. when I see your face, what will I do. and if you told me then would I still do it. keep the future unknown to me god. keep yourself unknown to me. keep me in the dark, but please preserve my skin so I can feel you walk by me, so I can sense your humor, so I can feel you strike my face with your palm. I want to feel your son's palm strike my face. god, will you at least yell at me for a change. will you shake my body with your own arms. if I could but feel you shove me over, then I would know how it feels to be shoved by god. when you were younger, did you ever make fun of your mother. does that even matter anymore. can you erase the past. does every other god know your past, or has it been forgotten. do you even remember the mere moment in history when you were mortal. can you recall it. god, do not fall. do not come down from whatever keeps you great. but please tell me what the weather is like where you live. do you still have winter in your heaven. do you still precipitate on forests and mountains. I wonder if you like it humid. I wonder if you like it cold. I imagine that autumn is hard to sustain for millennia. I imagine spring is hard to hold back from consuming your whole planet if you let it run for more than a decade. can you imagine all the bird's nests and swollen rivers. do I need to ask what you can imagine. do I need to inquire as to the creative energy. I wonder if animals are failed human bodies. what was it like to invent the human heart. did you find it difficult to wire all the emotions into that point. did you find it hard to find the right color for blood. was it difficult to find the right pressure. did your heart break each time you thought of all the infants who would be born with half of their hearts. I am asking your brother this question. the brother that is without body parts of passions. the brother that my brothers believe in. the brother that doesn't have a body. I know your body is like mine. I know you gave birth to adam and eve. god, what are your names. who gave you those names. did you give it to yourself. can I give myself a name.